theolyn's Journal

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Wow
I haven't been on this site in a long while, so I thought I should post something. Trying to buy a house. Trying appears to be the operative word here, because I keep hitting road blocks....now I have to change my loan type. It may work out for the best anyway you look at it though. It would be lovely to have a kitchen that actually meets my needs.

And now Mr. Bob may have saved my life
If good can be had from bad things, Mr Bob's death sent me to the Doctors for a stress test. Which ended up discovering a blockage. Which moved to having angioplasty and finally a stent.

I think of Bob often and grieve. The breavement group I am attending says this is good as I am not bottling it up inside. I wonder where this all leads.

On the other hand at work I got my annual rating. Of 500 possible points, I got 500. What a hoot. Mayhap they are trying to soften the blow of no bonuses or something else that is about to befall me. Makes you kinda go "Hmmmm". What a way to survive.

As a last note I started sewing nights again one night a month. We will then decide on a weekend to do more than research and hand sewing.

TTFN

A Party; The Days After

Well, we had My Beloved’s Life Celebration Party Saturday and quite a few friends showed up and helped to make it go smoothly. Without them I do not think I would have been as calm. I had already reduced the things I was going to do to less than I had first thought I would have ready. Getting my shit in one sock to clean the house was a trauma. I think Bob would have enjoyed the party. I know he loved having friends over and sharing food at his table

It seems that so many of my friends are going through their own issues right now, you wonder what is going on here. Mothers are dying, friends are ill; Bob’s father’s SO died a week ago. First his son dies then his woman. Double whammy!

All in all I still miss Bob so much and in some way feel like he will walk in the door any minute. It intensifies when I look at his picture. I can not imagine a life where he doesn’t exist. I am trying to move past this and make a new path, but I guess in some way I do not want to or perhaps feel it is a dishonor to him. I do not know or pretend to understand what I am feeling. I am really hoping the Bereavement Group will move me past this point. Bob looked beyond my size and loved my mind. He was not worried if I made more money than he did. He did not need to dominate me, to my mind we were equals. He was smart, had a quick mind and ready wit. He understood what I was saying and he only apologized when he meant what he was saying. Our backgrounds were somewhat similar and we had a common morality.

Then again maybe a big piece was because we had a common interest, us. I believe the honeymoon phase lasts longer when there are no children; we had fun in our lives without the sacrifices couples make for small children. We were way past child bearing years, although we did consider adopting. But it seems that the standards for adopting are pretty stringent and designed to keep children from being adopted. Previous successes get no positive points in this area, so we are doomed to be childless but were blessed with two cats.

Current Mood: melancholy

Arrrggh! Again I typed my entry in Live Journal, and again I lost it. I must learn not to follow “?” marks in the LJ!! I wanted to say that my LJ entirs sucked, and remind anyone who cares t come that we are having a “Life Celebration Party” for Bob at our house in the Takoma area of DC, on Saturday, Sept 8th. 600 Cedar St, NW. It will start around 4:00 and go until everyone leaves or falls asleep.

In preparation, had maids come in yesterday to lay down a base layer of clean, which I have only have 1 week to mess up, or to finish straightening up. Since I stopped hosting SCA things at the house, it has gotten quite dusty and amazingly even more cluttered than it was. I still won’t have the non-common areas straight, but it is a start.

We decided on a Hawaiian theme party, as Bob and I had tickets to go on July 7, before he died on July 3. He did manage to get himself packed and to Hawaii, in the proverbial suitcase! He was also scattered (at my request) next to a quite lovely (and hopefully with a big “rack”) wahine. I had also asked for nude, but you know you can’t get everything!

As a side note, he is also in Florida AND Japan at this very moment. (Japan was a bonus!)

Also, I have a better term for the step-kids and kids of the heart. I was reading an article the other day and they were referred to in an article as “Bonus Children”. I love it! I have 5 “Bonus Children”. I think it is a much more accurate description of the relationship, and it can also describe children of the heart. Those kids with which you have no blood or marital ties. I’m owning this!

The unfortunate this that is happened is that Bob’s Dad called to let me know his Significant Other died. She died in his arms. This makes number five. He is in his 80s and is going strong. He appears to be taking it well, but to lose a child and your companion within two months must be quite a blow. My heart is with him.

Current Mood: productive

Abandonment
Well, the first thing I was going to post after PENNSIC was what happened in the time I was there, but this is a more fleeting moment, I had my first dreams that Bob was leaving me last night. Nothing big really, just that we started a house and kept adding on rooms. At some point Bob talked to a group of men and the building started in earnest. Pieces of other buildings were added. Well, not pieces really, but other complete structures were added to the base. A small trailer house. A Zeppelin like structure that could also land and float on the water. It began to look more solid and substantial, fancier. More and more real, less modest. At some point though it filtered through to me that he was plannig on leaving me. THere was a friend there as well, and she seemed to know he was leaving too. And she was taking it rather matter of factly. Mayhap I should ponder on this. Next time, my PENNSIC tragedies and trials.

Current Mood: thoughtful

Another week...

Well, it has now been over a month since Bob had his heart attack and almost a month since his body passed. Since I know he loved me, I don't wonder about that. I just moss jis physical presence and future potential for interaction.

I went to a scrap booking convention yesterday and there was a lady there who was printing personalized paper. I bought paper with my name and Bob's name in various forms, but when I got home I realized that once the pages were done, there could be no more...you know that old canard - I think it goes like ...the pen having wriyyen moves on... I am being forced to move on but can't forget what was written. I don't think I should but, how does one move on when this happens? I fell that we had been so close, moved through our days separately performing our functions to arrive home. We would met and share our evenings, sleep together, not just in the same bed but melding our energies. We would awake to talk and shower together. This makes the night and mornings the loneliest and hardest times to move through.

We were so compatible in most ways. We cried at the same movies and enjoyed the same types of foods (with the exception of tuna hot dish and green beans with mushroom soup, hmm in fact he ditn't like casseroles in general except lasagna...). We shared similar beliefs. Not to say we had the same beliefs, but the same base (me - Minnesota, he - Michigan). We had moral values that went well together. He often described himself as a Boy Scout. Many of us believe to be an apt description. He was strong willed and stubborn, but not mean-spirited or overbearing. Those that thought him weak against me were so far off. They did not know him.

I know I am not alone, there are many friends with me, but there is a place this companionship can not go or touch. This place is for me, alone.

Current Mood: sad

Family reunions
I was in the middle of a post and lost it! What's up with that??? Do I need to save the damn thing periodically? How does one do that? Should I compose it off line then paste it in this space?

Blahhhh

Current Mood: annoyed

Death of Gauss Magnusson

Life has a way of tricking you into complacency and then WHAM. A BIG one hits you hard and fast. My beloved, my baby, the man I intended to live with the rest of my life,   Snatched, seemingly without warning, from our lives. We were discussing so many things for our future - where we wanted to live, and how we would look strolling down the street with locked walkers... I would have a tender feeling when I saw elderly couples with shiny white hair walking together. Slightly bent, sometimes holding hands, Bob and I would look at each other and like as not he would take my hand and we would smile - knowing that was our future. Gone now in the moment, a flash in the dark, brightly light and then out. Gone, with just the embers left to light my path. Memories of him are all that remain.

He held my hand in his when we walked.   His hand was on my knee when we drove. We sat next to each other and it was enough that he was with me. It was just the fact that he was around, existed, that kept me whole and filled my heart with such joy and peace. He told me how much I had enriched his life and how much he loved me. But then again, he promised me that I could die first. And, in every relationship there are annoyances, minor really. Together we were strong. The journey was grand. It's all a kind of smoke and mirrors trick somehow.

One month ago we were watching Big Love with Amy, now...is 12 years together enough to sustain me? Sustain me not just momentarily, but my memories and the feeling of complete acceptance and partnership that I have had?  I am greedy, I know. Monetarily, others in this situation have children and no income. They must worry not about just their loss, but about their future existence. I am solidly self sufficient. Not rich, not poor. I have a good job and we have good friends who morn with me, and yet...

And yet, I am greedy. I want it all. I want him and our life. I do not care what fate decrees, what path awaits me now. I will never be loved like he loved me again, loved and accepted wholly, with all my flaws. I want it all back. Now!

Current Mood: sad

Stuff

Well the fate's have take control again and are moving my horizontal! I am being given charge of a Program and several contractor's. No increase in salary, but luckily no fed supervisee. This is just another chance to step up to the plate. So far so-so, but one of these days I will fail. And then we will see how badly I beat myself up.

Bright spot I will be 53 on the 6th and that's two% more on my retirement (that's one% more for Bob shou;ld I die before him. (I am the base retirement system in my family...)

We went out with an old friend for dinner tonight. Priceless! Mayhap I will go to FSA Gathering this year and take the spousal unit.

Current Mood: satisfied

So I will have been married for seven years in June. I want to have a "Seven-Year Itch" party. But I was wondering what way to take this. Is it nobler to scratch or not to sratch?

Current Mood: complacent

A funny thing happened on the way to the Wake...
Imagine if you can sitting in a wake (in church) and glancing across the isle to see a sight you never thought to see in this situation. A pair of nuts serenely hanging out of someone's jeans (ripped at the seam) nestled against the chair. Who do you tell? Futher, would you want to know if you had to sit on that seat? What does this bode for other chairs? Just a thought...

Current Mood: amused

Stuff
So anyway there is my better half laying on the floor talking to these cats who are in hiding desperate to figure out what Brave New World they have landed in saying this like how pretty they are and how they were picked to join our family and how special they are... just to damn tender and sweet if you ask me.

At least they use the litter bax and have come out to eat. How long will it take until we get to pet them? Traumatized that's what they are...

Current Mood: amused

Back from the cruise
Sunday 3/4/07 early PM - Sunny but cool - Well we are back from the cruise. I really enjoy spending time with my husband. But, (and isn't there always a "but"..) Poor Mr. B had kidney stone surgery the week before we left. They put a stent in between his kidneys and his bladder which poked into his bladder the whole time. Sp he was cranky the whole time. He played cards but when it came to walking, he was in "discomfort" (that's what people with pain call it when they were married to people in the health arena) the whole time. I have been dealing with his kidney stone from Pennsic until Friday.

Last Wednesday he went to the Doctor's office to have his Stent removed, but they tried and it was a no go. We ended up in an outpatient surgery unit on Friday and he is going great guns since yesterday. I am so happy I can't hardly stand it!!!

I use to wonder why old people can do is talk about their physical ailments. I am beginning to understand now. Those stones were the major point in his existence. It was all he could think about on a long term basis.

While we were on the trip we played quite a bit of bridge with the couple that went on the trip with us. It is obvious to me that we have improved, and to them too! They didn't spank our collective butts the way they did last October in Williamsburg.

Maggie and Jerry are an interesting pair. She is the Head librarian in her library in wisconsin, and he is retired. He kids (up to the point of lying) about things that happen. We called Bob on a phone and he said he had knocked me overboard and asked Bob what he wanted him to do? Bob asked if he had thrown me a floating life ring, and Jerry told him he wanted to find out what he wanted him to do, there then followed a discussion of how much insurance Bob had on me. Anyway you get the picture...

We got the cats yesterday, let them loose in the room we are using to let them get use to us. And have only seen them when we hunt them out. Robin came out and streaked for a sheltered corner. Joe Jr. came out of his cage looked around got petted a little then found Robin and is now hiding as well. Ah well, at least they used the cat box last night and hopefully not the floor. We need to give them time. TTFN

My first entry
IOkay, this is my first entry. My buddies mage the account for me, they requested a new password for me, and they threatebed to make a life for me if I didn't write something here. Well, I can to look to see what they thought I would be doing, as they said it was an exciting life. But NO ENTRIES were found.

Life is good, I was detailed to another agency, they let me go back to my original agency, THEN they found a job for me. I turned them down, but I am secretly satisfied that they wanted me. Butr rhen you snooze your lose.

This week we are going on a cruise to the Mexican Riviera. Woo Baby! Not only that, but the gouse has atopted two cats from the SPCA. We will get them after the trip so they can become use to all of us at the same time.

The joke is that should be all the pussy in the house that my husband can stand!

TTFN